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Longing is my full time job, although one might not notice, I do my 8 hours every day. While brushing my teeth, while standing in line for coffee, in my bed before I fall asleep. I clock in and out all the time, longing as if I had mortgage to pay. “Why would you choose such career path?” Somebody asked once. “Well…” I said “it sort of chose me on its own”.
Typically, when there is something I want, there is a path I need to take in order to reach it. Therefore if I’m in a state of longing, that path is non existent, like wanting to touch the sky as if it was a ceiling. Unfulfilled desire grows thorns and attracts hornets.
I have been in the business of longing for about two years now and each full moon, I get a 5% increase in my salary and occasionally a promotion to a higher position in the corporation. This results in more responsibilities, so my free time suffers, and the real connections I have with the world deteriorate. I’m drawing these parallels between longing and the capitalist system because both start off as innocent and grow into monsters. Unsustained.
The truth is, I haven’t known life without longing and as much as it hurts me, I’m always somehow in the state of it. Maybe to some extent it’s masochism. I crave an excessive closeness but I’m not going to reveal anything more than that. I want to scream while hiding.